I Am Ready to Deal With Today

Nap time with Bo

I don't know why I am writing this blog. I don't know if I am doing it to share information with my circles as easily as possible. I don't know if I am doing it to share Bo's story with the world. I don't know if I am doing it to ask for help, emotionally and financially. I don't know I am doing it as a cathartic release. I don't know if I am doing at as a form of a eulogy. Sometimes when I write I am crying, trying to figure out what it is that I am trying to say. Others times I am as focused as a college student, doing research, writing a paper, trying to process the information I received from Dr. Sullivan.

The news of Bo's state last night brought about so many emotions. I have lost loved ones in the past, but none that counted on me, who looked to me as their provider and care-giver. The emotions seem deeper, you feel more responsible. I do not have any children, but I do know that many people consider their pets their children. The reality is that they are not their "children", but the roles of "provider" and "receiver" transcend the bounds of human interaction.

Look! A squirrel!

When I think about Bo I think his habits and characteristics. He is stubborn. God is he stubborn. I feel I did a good job training him. He understands commands and is generally well behaved. But sometimes, he is either ignoring me, or not paying attention, or can't process what I am telling him. He sits there, with a blank look on his face, and after 2 to 3 (probably more like 4) times of giving my command his expression changes to "Oh! You are talking to me!" His ears go back and quickly processes your command with a speed that even the most responsive of Australian Shepards would be respect.

Co-pilot

He enjoys companionship. I have never had a dog that has followed me around everywhere. I am not sure if it is a frenchie trait, or just Bo, but no matter where I go in my house, he wants to be with me. If I am taking a shower, he will follow me to the bathroom and sit on my bathmat waiting for me to get out. If I am washing dishes or cooking dinner, he will patiently wait by my feet for me to give him attention. He loves car rides and road-trips, and is a great co-pilot (actually, he just stares at me or sleeps, but he's there).

He is noisy. Those unfamiliar with french bulldogs won't laugh when they read that statement, but those that do know what I mean. There is no other way describe the amount of sound that Bo produces. Nothing that Bo does is quiet. Breathing is loud. He snores when he sleeps. When he is walking it sounds like he is wearing heals as his claws "tap" away on my hardwood floors. When he chews his bone the grinding and slurping is audible. He is "gassy". Those of you who are close to me probably caught the joke on his blog. We have affectionately referred to Bo's "gassiness" as "spreading some 'Bo Love'". Not having him here the last few days,I miss the "noise" the most.

Bo & Punky on their last play-date

He loves chewing so much,
he decided to nap on
his bone!

I have had times without him with me. He might be off on a play-date with his "girlfriend", Punky, who until just last week lived in the same building with us. Every once in a while my ex-wife would ask to spend some time with him and take him for the weekend. I would leave him with a friend or a family member, or even board him, while on vacation. I would always look at those breaks as a "relief". No getting out of bed for a walk. No need to think about feeding him, bathing him, playing with him. And I always joked about how different my house "sounded" without him. There was no "noise" and I could hear other things I never noticed before. Something as simple as the humming on this computer.

I found him like this when I got
out of the shower one morning. He must
have been cold.

I feel I am ready for whatever today brings. If there is a chance for Bo, I am willing to take it no matter what personal or financial sacrifices I have to make. I am sure that Dr. Sullivan wants to have a "quality of life" conversation with me. I have had tonight to process that thought in my head.

I love my dog very much. I miss him terribly and want the best for him. I don't want him to be in pain. I don't want him to suffer. But I also want him to run, play, chew on his bone, snore, and fart! When this whole thing started, my brother told me "You try everything you can, but at some point you have to ask yourself if you are doing all this for yourself or are you doing it for him? Are you doing it to make yourself feel better or are you doing it so that he can feel better?"

God, my house is so quiet . . .

Bo's bed, bone, and favorite toys . . .